I have spent most of my life trying to be good enough. I am sure that this started in my early childhood, from the feeling that if I was just a better little girl my parents would still be together, that my mom would not drink so much, that my friends would like me more. This inner critic tells me constantly that I am not a good enough friend, artist, mother, writer, wife, housekeeper, writer, neighbor, whatever. This voice has ruled my life in so many ways. It is the enemy of a full and happy life.
I have done things that I am deeply embarrassed about or ashamed of. There are things that I have said that I whole-heartedly regret. My inner critic replays those words and events over and over in my mind, and I use those things to convince myself that I am Not Good Enough. I allow that voice to keep me from following my dreams. It is a malevolent force working to squelch my creativity and joy.
My inner critic sounds just like a boyfriend I had in high school who told me that if I lost some weight (I weighed 115 lbs.) that I could wear my shirt tucked in, or another boyfriend I had that convinced me that I needed some sort of product to make mask my natural odors, or the boss who stood over my shoulder watching my every move and called me a lazy slug. It is the girl who threatened to beat me up in junior high school because I wore white knee socks. It is the ex-husband who told me he drank because I was such a bitch. I have listened to this voice and far too often believed it. It has taken me decades in recovery and therapy to realize that this is not how I want to treat myself.
Some of you may recognize that you have your own inner critic telling you the same kinds of things. The voice of a parent or teacher or spouse who is working hard to keep you in your place. It is high time for me, and you, to silence that inner voice. One of my favorite writers, SARK, talks about listening to your Inner Wise Self, or your intuition. Many of us do not trust our intuition, we have been trained to listen to others who think that they know what is best for us. Inner Wise Self is the enemy of the critic who works so hard to keep us down.
I hereby put my critic on notice: YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME HERE! I will listen to my Inner Wise Self and believe Her. She is the voice who tells me "I see you; I see how hard you try to be better. I see how you struggle to move past the things that you are ashamed of and embarrassed by. You have everything you need to live the rest of your life in peace, love, and serenity. Please let go of the shame and hurt. Go forth in love of yourself and confidence in your abilities." She tells me that I am creative, that I CAN write that novel, that I am lovable, that I am enough.
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